hello? are you there?

i fucking hate people. they'll be your friend, but as soon as you need them, or just want to talk to them, they dont respond.

april 26, 2011

the ghosts of my past,
i should have let go,
but they wont go away,
i guess ill keep running.

so, good news

for once. getting a lot of work soon, and hopefully make some money! woo. money makes the world go round. other than that, my life is boring.

life sucks. and then you die.

im slowly losing my mind here. i wake up every day and try and be a good person. but im starting to question, what is it for? yeah, world peace is a nice pipe dream, but when good people get shat on (figuratively of course) and the pricks, assholes, scumbags, what have you, get it good, i wonder what the fuck is the point of it all. right now im "working" for a friend of mine, but im not getting paid, and thats fine, i understand the situations we're all in, and im a nice person. but what pisses me off is that we all are struggling to put fuel in the equipment, to get the work done, and get paid. but people take their sweet fuckin time go get the money to us. if my friend got all the money people owed him, we all would be in much better shape right now. and on top of that theres all this pointless fucking drama, and people who are downright idiots. on any given day you could probably find me daydreaming. i usually dream im somewhere very far away, secluded, secure. like a log cabin at the top of some mountain in god knows where with just me and now, my new dog. her name is bella and shes a sweetheart. i just wish i was in a better financial situation to take care of her, let alone myself. goodnight. and good luck.

i want to get out of here

but i cant. i have to wait until my probation is over. fucking sucks.

American Tragedy

Yesterday was the iTunes release of Hollywood Undead's new CD American Tragedy. I fucking love it. Its not exactly the HU that I've been used to, but its not so different to the point where I dont know if its them or not. So if you like a bunch of white guys rapping about bitches and suicide, this is the album for you!

i want to scream.

its 6:12 as i start this. and this early in the morning i usually find myslef asking the same questions i asked the nights before. what is the purpose of this life? what is the meaning of existence? why? to what end does all this serve? im normally a happy-go-lucky person. but deep inside there is an intense hate. i hate stupidity. i hate bigotry. i hate racism, sexism, genocide, war, murder, intolerance (and the fact that hating intolerance is in and of itself intolerant), and anything else that destroys another humans happiness. but most of all i hate ignorance. and i have this strong, burning hatred for all these things and more, not because i dilute myself to think that world peace is actually attainable, but because to me, they are the epitome of evil. i hate my own shortcomings in trying to change the world, and even more my lack of motivation, inability, and the fact that i dont know where to start to change this corrupted world we live in. some nights i just sit outside and dream of burning the world down. starting fresh, promoting all that is good in this world. and then my mind automatically comes up with a counter argument (im the son of two lawyers, so yeah). there is evil in this world because thats what makes the good times good. yin and yang. good and evil. but why, if almighty God created us all in His image, why not make it so that there was no need for evil? these thoughts and questions are more than likely going to haunt me until the day i die. maybe then, when im in "the afterlife" will i find the answers to these questions. before i go, i have a mission for all who read this. do something kind at least once a week. dont just give the homeless your spare change, have a meaningful, in depth conversation with them. if you see someone picking on someone else, do whatever you can to make them stop, maybe even try to teach them that they wouldnt like it if it was done to them. the next time youre about to snap and yell at someone, think about a more peaceful, less angry way to get what you want to express out. maybe, just maybe, you and i can do our part to turn "humanity" away from its self destructive ways.  and just cause it popped in my head, ill end on a quote from the talmud. (its not verbatim, but the wisdom remains) "he who takes another man's life, destroys an entire world ; he who saves a man's life, saves an entire world". good morning everyone.

another friday night.

tis another friday night, the weekdays fading into the past. a time for relaxation and fun, a time to party and get wild. tonight may not be one of those nights that i will remember until im old and grey, or maybe it might. the possibilities are endless. possibility is always endless.

I fucking hate jersey weather.

remember to feed the fish!

so I've spent my whole sick day reading generally useless crap on the internet. which brings me to my point. the internet controls us. and it does so, because we let it. i remember when having fun was going in the back yard and playing around with my imagination. climbing up a tree was like climbing a mountain, or adventuring through the jungle. there is a lot more to life than what the internet holds. but the thing is, the internet has become life. most phones these days have internet capabilities. i can take a picture on my phone, and immediately send it to facebook and tag it within the space of a couple seconds. we have become so numb to the things that are truly beautiful in this life, what with new products and services shoved in our faces daily. BUY THIS! DO THAT! why? why cant i just enjoy the night sky instead of the newest motion picture? i once hear a quote along the lines of the things we buy end up controlling us. that is no longer true. the things we have bought, have been controlling us. and why cant we escape it? because of convenience. its much easier to solve a math problem with a calculator than with mental math. its a lot easier to keep in contact with friends by liking their status, or following their tweets, than sitting down with a pen and paper and writing to them. nowadays humans are inherently lazy, myself included. capitalism has given way to the idea that the person with the most shit wins. but life isn't a game, and sooner or later everyone dies. so the next time you're out somewhere, i want you to do something you don't normally do, be it holding open the door for the person behind you, or maybe something simple as parking a bit farther away on purpose. break the cycle, destroy the "norm".

i am fucking sick as a dog

ugh. this sucks! my nose is clogged, my throat hurts like a bitch, and my fucking head hurts! i get to rough it out by myself, cause i dont have any nyquil or vicks or something like that. hopefully ill feel better sooner as opposed to later

self affirmation? fuck that.

4 followers! yay! i dont know what happened but life is starting too look up. spring is almost here, and hopefully a job will come with it! and when september rolls around, im most likely going to move to Israel with the Law of Return. i cant wait to see the world, and do all the things ive wanted to do in my life. the only thing that sucks is that i want to be with someone, but there is no one i know of around here who is my "type". oh well. time takes time. heres some things ive been meaning to keep in my mind, maybe it will help you more than i

1:40 a.m.

life is very confusing. i dont know where mine is going, but i know where i want to go. who will i be when i get there? who will i be with? so many questions only time can answer. goodnight.

this is fucking ridiculous

i hate liars. i hate bullshitters. i detest the fact that people can get away with lying and spreading untrue rumors about not only me, but everyone. when i speak, i speak what i believe to be the god honest truth. i really hope that the world ends next year, because there are so many people in this world who i feel dont deserve to live in it. but then again, im not someone with the authority to judge them, these are just my opinions. theres just too much evil in the world these days

today was a pretty crazy day

thankfully ive calmed down a lot from before (sleep is a miracle). people around here really have nothing better to do with their time than start shit. this is what i miss from Miami, the city mentality. dont get me wrong, its wonderful up here, but the people. i could go more in depth, but that would just get me riled up again. maybe sometime later. i have to poop now.

mornin

its been almost a full year since me and my ex broke up. i really didn't think i would make it this far. well, i knew, i just didn't want to accept it, because that would be giving in to the reality that she was gone. it hurt like hell to watch her go from the love of my life, to someone i dont even know anymore. i dont know who the next girl is going to be, but this time im gonna do it better. and im not going to settle for anything less than what i deserve. the hard part is finding that girl. around here the only girls i hear about are sluts, stuck up bitches, or straight up crazy. sometimes i wonder if theres some lonely girl out there, hoping and wishing a guy like me would come her way. if only i were so lucky.

the internet made me an insomniac

havent actually slept yet. but heres a good quote that fits me

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” -Dr. Seuss

contradictions

i want to move out of this shithole country, but i love it none the less. i love being wild and crazy, yet i want to join the military. i loved a girl, then turned around and cheated on her. my life the past few years has been crazy. from getting my first car, to feeling my first heartbreak, shits been wild. a lot of regret. a lot of pain. but a lot of good too. i have a few best friends, a loving mother, and a healthy body. i just wish i had a job, something to do with my time/start my life.

if i could move anywhere i wanted, it would be a toss up between Israel, or somewhere down south of the mason-dixon line. its funny, i moved up here from florida almost 5 years ago now, and yet the atmosphere makes it seem like im in the dirty south, not dirty jersey.

they call me bengo. im as random as they come, and i dont care what you think about me. i like dubstep and country. im just a mix of everything. which has left me feeling like im not creative at all, considering my ideas and what not are bits and pieces of other peoples words. but if you think about it, thats how life is. there is no one who has the authority to judge what is right, or original, or anything for that matter. there is no one on this earth with the true power to pass "divine" judgment over us. and yet we do it anyway.


more on that, and everything under the sun later. its 6:16 and im going to sleep. peace.

just found this out

i can make money from this thing? i didnt know that. i hope i have a good enough blog that people will actually look at it.

its 4:44 in the morning, and im not tired at all

i need to quit smoking, and stop dipping. i need to find a job. i should exercise more. i wish i had a girlfriend. im going to fap in a bit. derp.